Something in me vibrates to a dusky, dreamy smell of dying moons and shadows.
Antonia || Seventeen || Bay Area
"maybe you wouldnt be so tired if you went to bed earl-"
Sometimes I hate being bipolar, I start to feel like my lamictal is pointless because it doesn’t get rid of my manic and depressive episodes, it just pushes the time between them longer. I start to feel really hopeless, and recently when I’ve been getting anxious I start losing touch with reality and it’s been scary. It’s gotten to the point where I’ve decided to do online school next year because being around a ton of people everyday is too much for me and my anxiety gets too hard to handle. I’ve always been told that some kind of medication would be the answer for everything. The other day I brought this stuff up to Dr Kessler, and as I was I got nervous and started loosing touch with myself and my surroundings again. She did something none of my other doctors have ever done with me… She had me plant my feet on the ground, place my palms on the sides of my chair, and she would count to three as I inhale and exhale. Simple breathing exercises… But they really calmed me. No chemicals or surveys or mood charts, just breathing. The other night I had a manic episode… Manic episodes are better than any drug you’ll ever experience, and it’s that much better because it’s all you, all your disorder, nothing extra. Within a few minutes, I’m in this awesome heavenly alive electric state of mind. Of course a few hours later (my cycles only last that long, a day at the most, unlike most bipolar people whose cycles can last days or weeks) I come down, and I enter a depressive state. It’s the worst thing ever… Full of shame about my previous mania and fear that I’ll never be that high again, just terrible about myself. Don’t know how else to describe it. So I’m in the dark feeling low, and I just start doing the breathing exercises and rocking back and forth. Pushed everything else out of my mind over the course of a few minutes and breathed. It was like a slow soothing magic.